Kirsten Fagin 8/20/18 Kirsten Fagin 8/20/18

How a Rom-Com Helped Me Heal | An Ode to "To All The Boys I've Loved Before".

Fifteen years old me was so triggered by watching the movie that I had to walk out and go get a snack.

by Kirsten Renee

I'm a romantic comedy fanatic, I've watched all the classics, and even some that no one else has heard of. Rom-Com's have always been a form of escape for me, falling in love with a stranger, being the one for someone, or even forbidden love all have captivated my interest since I was young. As a child my diary held my deepest fantasies and dreams, often starring whatever boy my little heart had a crush on at the time. As I got older, the leading person changed, but those fantasies never went away... nor did my need to write them down. I went from writing in my diary to writing notes to my heart's desire. Going out on a limb, and hoping that they would return my affection. That never happened though, I usually was met with a hard dose of reality and legit embarrassment. Yet that never stopped me from writing notes or being overly hopeful that one day I would find my own rom-com partner.

Well into my teen years where not much happened, but things got a little spicy at times. I realized that romantic comedies were not the best "How To" when it came to dating, and I was actually doing more harm than good to my own heart. My movie watching turned into me reading romance centered novels, thinking that I would one day find the Jasper to my Alice. Let's be real, they were the real power couple of the Twilight series. Don't get me wrong, I would still watch movies about tragic love all the time, and still silently wished I was in them.

At some point, adolescents turned into adulthood and that's where shit got really funky. While most of my peers went off to school and found new lovers and friends. I was off at a local college, nursing a very wounded heart and hoping that I would just be invisible to everyone. It's weird how I went from craving the attention of others, to wishing I could be swallowed up by the floor. Heartache does that to you, and sometimes we don't realize the blessings that come out of a breakup.

Recently, I've been anticipating the arrival of Netflix's new Romantic Comedy dedicated to teenaged love. "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" caught my eye not only because of the diverse cast but because of the plot. Girl writes love letters (sounds familiar?), letters get sent out, and suddenly she's faced head-on with the consequences of her hearts desires. I sat down and watched it with my best friend and by the end I was sobbing. How did these people expose me like this? I quickly added this movie to my list of favorites and spent the next day reading both books (reading the third one currently!) that it was based on. Reading the books is what really broke down things that I hadn't really noticed that I still held on to. Sure, there were major differences but the gist was the same. . . How do you fantasize about love, but run away when it's in your face?

See the older I've gotten the more cynical I've become and you would think that for someone who loves love as much as I do I wouldn't be. However, it seems that relationships aren't something that IRL me can handle. The idea of loving someone and allowing them to love me back actually scares the shit out of me. Like are you serious? What's wrong with me? Why am I like this?

It wasn't until I saw and read about LJ and Peter's relationship that I realized "damn girl, you're too young to be this cynical"! Author Jenny Han literally brought my deepest secrets into the light and used my younger self to make me face them. Fifteen years old me was so triggered by watching the movie that I had to walk out and go get a snack. I went home after I watched and decided that I needed to see it again to make sure that I wasn't losing my mind. The second time, however, brought about different feelings even though it had barely been four hours in between both viewings. This time I wasn't watching it as a younger version of myself, I was watching as me now. Which in retrospect is a hell of a lot worse, because then for the next 24 hours I devoured 2 of the 3 books, and watched the movie for the third time.

When the realization hit me that 16-year-old LJ and 26-year-old Kirsten were the same people, emotions got heavy. Here I am, damn near thirty realizing that the world in my head is NEVER going to match the one I actually live in. Let me tell ya, making that connection felt like I got slapped by the biggest brick to the face. Here I am, a grown woman still fantasizing about the great loves she'll never have. Which could possibly still happen I'm not that naive, but it's best to not write what I want it to be. It's best to let it happen how it's supposed to without any influence from my romance-obsessed brain.

True enough, not everything can be explained nor can I rewrite the tragedies that I've experienced. I can't take back the notes that I wrote or the embarrassment that I felt. I can't change teenaged decisions or redo the heartache's that came with it. I can't fix any of that or alter it in any way, the only thing I can do is to recognize my heart now. What does she want? What does she need today? How can I assist her in healing and growing simultaneously? How is she wanting to be loved? I haven't asked adult me those questions before, and maybe it's about time that I start doing just that.

This book series and film, pushed me past comfort zones that I did't even realize I was in. Sure the setting may be high school, but the lesson is so much bigger than that. We don't get to make up our perfect person, nor do we decide when they come into our lives. For all you know that best friend you had on the playground when you were six, will be your first kiss at sixteen. Life is funny like that and should be enjoyed in all of its fucked up glory.

Heal yourself in any way you need to.

Blessed be.

Check out "To All The Boys I've Loved Before" NETFLIX now!

Kirsten Fagin 12/20/17 Kirsten Fagin 12/20/17

Heal Your Heart Trauma By Recognizing Your Heart Karma

by Kirsten Renee

It's an odd feeling to think about why relationships never work out for yourself. You go through the motions of "self care"; watching rom-coms and pretending as if you don't know why you'll never have a healthy romantic relationship. Listen, I'm the first person to be a hopeless romantic, but still be a shitty partner. I LIVE for Hallmark Christmas movies and I still can't stop watching Pretty Woman ten times a week. However in the same way that I'm a romantic type of bitch, I could be very closed off and wishy washy with potential partners. I've been called a tease by pretty much every person I've involved myself with. I got a kick out of being wanted but never being able to be attainable. However, doing that has caused me to experience what I call "heart karma". You know the phrase "everything you do will always come back to you"? Well it's true, people think that only pertains to being a bad person or doing something wrong. Karmic energy is neither good nor bad, it just is and that's something that most people have yet to understand. I realize it now that my own heart karma has come to hit me in the face with a reality check.

I recently talked to/“dated”/ was interested in a guy that I was into pretty fast, until I realized he embodied every aspect of who I used to be. Distant, closed off, but still intoxicating and it shook me to my core. I was being pulled in by myself to myself, I was dating the person that I was to others and that took me for such a loop that it took me a minute to process it. He's not a bad guy in any way, nor am I bad person for the things that I've done. It's just that sometimes you don't realize that the demons you carry can feed off of the bodies you choose to interact with. Being emotionally detached for a long period of time can be the most draining thing in the world. Karmic energy is just a direct reflection of YOUR actions, and that's a heavy cross to carry once you take the time to acknowledge that. Now that I'm working on getting away from those feelings and allowing my vulnerability to lead me I see how I love differently. I see how I want to be loved differently and that's what growth is all about. Being able to see yourself progress and see how far you've come is sobering.

Allowing myself to be vulnerable and not being afraid of that openness has shifted my heart karma. Facing myself in a way that I have has truly elevated me into a completely different being. Having someone else mirror the exact actions that I had been doing is what did it, and I'm thankful for that lesson. Thankful for the fact that I can easily recognize the patterns that I had carried for so long. Whether we realize it or not, we carry all sorts of trauma with us. Unless we make the CONSCIOUS choice to work through that trauma it'll become exactly who we are, and how we treat ourselves and others.

From an astrological standpoint this moment has been a long time coming in my chart. With Saturn moving into Capricorn, a need to be stable in all areas of my life has become more apparent. However it's not just me that will go through this, every single person on this planet is going to have to face whatever karmic energy they've been putting out. That's the thing about life and recognizing the signs of what's going on in the universe. If you know what to look for, you'll know how to handle it. Saturn is the planet of truth and reality, so of course my disconnect to feelings and personal resentment for them would be thrown back in my face. I asked for this, and truthfully I'm thankful that it happened the way that it did.

2017 was the year of shadow work, it uprooted secrets and lies, it shook foundations that on the outside looked sturdy, it blew through like a tornado on a mission for world destruction. When tornados hit (metaphorically and physically) they leave behind a sense of eerie calmness. It's quiet, it's empty, it's new and scary. . . That's exactly what working with your trauma is like. Working with your shadows is like waking up after a storm has uprooted your life and you now have to figure out your next move.

Be mature in how you approach matters of the heart, here's a tip if you know you've got blockages that are preventing you from evolving fix them. Handle that shit, before the universe just permanently puts you into that place. There's an energy in the air that maybe I'm the only one feeling, but it feels very consistent. It feels like whatever it is that you speak into existence, whatever actions that you do, all of those things are going to be who you are going to become. Be mindful of that type of energy, be mindful of the person that you want to be versus the person that you pretend to be. Because you can very well get stuck in the land of pretend if you're not careful.

Recognize the self destructive patterns that you have attached to yourself, and work on correcting them. If you're like me and you find yourself stuck sometimes on how to move past things in your life here's some of the things that I turn to when I need help at releasing heart trauma and karma.

1. Meditation:

By focusing on the root of your problem and allowing it to come to the light you're allowing yourself to heal. I like to do 15 minute meditations each day (at least I try to!), and during that time I focus on the subconscious feelings of my spirit. When working with your heart focus on your heart beat pattern, let it lull you into a state of awareness. Whatever energy that arises sink into that and watch how you discover new truths about your heart.

2. Journaling

Writing about feelings is a great way to assess them, putting thoughts and energy onto paper or whatever you use can help. Writing can help you look back onto those feelings, and gives you a clearer guideline on what it is that you are experiencing.

3. Etheric Cord Cutting Ritual

There's many ways to do a cord cutting ritual, and that's absolutely okay. Find or create one that speaks the highest to your spirit. It's a pretty simple and easy ritual to do;

- Find a quiet and peaceful space, preferably one where you can be alone!

- Cleanse your area and cast your circle (if you're into that, this isn't just for witches and those who practice)

- Relax your body, focus on breathing deeply and allowing yourself to really fill up your space. I also like to listen to energetic frequencies like this one ! I like to really get into a deep state before casting spells or setting intentions.

- Allow your spirit guides/angels/ ancestors/etc whoever you spiritually work with to come into the now sacred space. Welcome them with open arms and sit with them in prayer and spiritual fellowship.

- Ask them to remove whatever cords that you are connected to that aren't of your highest good. Ask for guidance in releasing that energy and the connection to it, as well as for protection while doing it. I personally like to repeat my spells a specific number of times, it makes me feel comforted.

- After the ritual smudge your space, take a relaxing bath or shower and allow yourself to relax in the vibrations from your ritual.

you can always tweak rituals to your liking and make them your own! Never be afraid to listen to your own intuition for guidance!

4. Therapy

If you know you've got negative habits that are stopping you from growing give therapy a shot. Therapy is so helpful when it comes to having someone help you work through your emotions and thought process. Therapy is also a great way to connect with your emotions on a deeper level, and it can really help you heal if you let it!

Remember, healing isn't over night and working through years of trauma can take years to heal. Remain consistent in your work and know that by working through your old experiences you're making room for new ones.

Happy healing, happy hearts.