The Shadow Can Be Your Friend

TW: I will be speaking very vulnerably about grief, death and the healing process from my perspective.

The first time I witnessed death I was 4 or 5. My Great-Grandmother, Big Ma passed away. I remember the feeling of grief meeting me like a close friend. I had this radio/karaoke machine that I listened to nonstop. That tiny little toy tape player became a comfort blanket for me, something about listening to Tone Loc made me feel very comforted. At some point I moved on, because my childhood evolved and new feelings replaced grief. I grew up in a massive family, my bloodline is long af. Both sides of my tree expands into multiple realms and timelines, it’s beautiful. Because of that, I grew up surrounded by aunties, cousins, uncles, from multiple generations.

When I say grief and I became besties, we really did. My moms mother., Granny Ernestine got promoted to glory when I was 8. I remember my family telling us that she had cancer, I remember so much about that time… especially my feelings. My maternal grandmother taught me so much; how to sew, the importance of patience in the kitchen and she’s the reason I fell in love with romance movies. I always felt like she understood me in ways that I couldn’t always say out loud. She died the summer before 4th grade and it hit me hard, because who was going to speak for me now? I started grief counseling that school year and though it helped. I still had a hard time letting that grief go for real. I felt like my family was all hurting in some way and felt like I had to put my own needs to the back. As a child, it just felt like no one wanted to experience grief with me even though we all felt it.

As time went on, I began to lose other family members. My Maternal grandmothers entire immediate maiden family is gone. Every single one of her siblings died one after another, there’s a conversation around that, but that’s a story for a later day. Now on my dads side of the family, I just knew everybody was going to be there forever. I got used to family passing on my moms side of the tree, but my paternal… it was unheard of. The summer after 9th grade, I was living my best life. Going to camp and traveling to New York I was having a blast. Until I got a phone call one day telling me that my uncle had died, I broke down. My Uncle Boo was nothing but a pure example of unconditional love. I often feel like if he was alive when I came out as Queer it would’ve been an easier moment for me. When he died, it altered the way I did a lot of things. I felt very disconnected from everyone around me and again, felt like I couldn’t share the experience with my family.

Again, time passes and grief and become enemies for a while. Outside of loved ones passing, I lost friendships, broke up with partners and just experiencing heartbreak in multiple ways. Grief for me became a bitter, backstabbing bitch to be real. I hated feeling grief, I hated the fact that I could never fully function in my happiness because nobody was talking to me. Sure I had friends, but what I needed was my family to really get a hold of me. Eventually they did and shoutout to them because they definitely showed up for me after a huge breakdown I had at 19. I learned to let grief back in slowly of course, we had to get comfortable with one another. My papa died in 2019, I was away working at a summer camp when I got the call. This time I was slightly prepared for grief to come back home, because by then I was reclaiming my love for spirituality.

Reclaiming my faith and fully stepping into that is what saved me then and has kept me sane when I am faced with soul crushing moments. I now know how to keep those relationships going when it comes to death. My ancestors and I spend so much time together, every day we talk and gather together. Although, I can say that I have my faults when it comes to that. In recent years, I’ve spent less time with my family who are still here. There’s something to be said about balance in relationships, even as a diviner it is important to keep your heart open to all of your branches.

Idk, maybe it’s just me, but we have to start being more gentle with ourselves.

I love you.

A Letter From Your Editor | November 2019

by Kirsten Renee

It’s a wild feeling to realize just how special you are and what that actually means for your life’s work. You are limitless when you step into your own power and though you have boundaries. You are still someone who has figured out the key to their own success. That’s it though, knowing that your key won’t fit anyone else’s lock nor will it open any door outside of what’s meant for YOU. In order to get to that point though, you have to figure out what you want to align with, what you are aligning with and what your boundaries are. Those three things can (and will) guide you to and through your life’s journey.

Recognize that The Divine is you, everything you do (especially the things that bring fulfillment into your realm) is because of The Divine. Blessed one, and you are most certainly blessed because you’re still living your path. Whether you’re just figuring it out, are excelling, or you’re starting over for the 10th time… You are exactly where you are meant to be. In this space right now, I want you to ask yourself if you’ve really been holding you in light. Have you’ve been letting discomfort lead you or praying from a place of frustration or lack? If yes, then I need you to HEAR ME when I say this, okay? YOU ARE ALREADY ABUNDANT. The Universe shows up for those who know how to (or at least are ready to) use their blessings because they know that that’s what they’re meant to have. You are a DIVINE being created in the image of The Divine itself, so how are you going to ignore the fact that you were created to manifest?

Trust your process and trust that your guides and angels are listening to you and working on your behalf. You just have to do your part of that relationship and that’s showing up for them too. You can not work with any form of energy, whether living or ethereal unless you have formed a trusted relationship with it. It’s simple really, would you have the friends that you do if you never picked up the phone? Hung out with them? Made an effort to be in their lives? No, you wouldn’t and that’s the exact thing that people always fuck up when they get into this spiritual life.

For me, I talk with my ancestors and angels EVERY single day, multiple times a day if we’re being real. I have full blown conversations with them and sometimes they talk back and sometimes they quietly lead me to where it is that I need to be. Get to know your spirits folks! Get to know the entities that take care of you in the spirit realm. Know their names, stories, and communication style! I know that seems impossible to some and you’re probably thinking “what the hell is she talking about, how can I speak to what I can’t see?”. When my Grandfather passed away in June 2019, a single bumble landed on my knee when I heard the news. After that whenever I thought of him a bumble bee would show up and buzz around my head. Now, he shows up in my dreams with open arms and hugs, which is so beautiful and amazing. He constantly brings me messages to tell my family and often shows up when I least expect it too. Like how my new car tag is an angel number AND has his initials on it. Wild right?

Start writing down when you see spirit numbers (numerology), when you have dreams that involve your ancestors make notes! They are helping you, help yourself and let’s be real we all need some guidance. Treat yourself with care and your magick will flow freely! You are the light, you are the dark and all that is in between. When you align yourself with who you REALLY are, The Universe will show up and put people in your life who match that energy.

You are deserving of worthy people who love you within your boundaries, You need to love you within your boundaries.

Blessed be.