The Shadow Can Be Your Friend

TW: I will be speaking very vulnerably about grief, death and the healing process from my perspective.

The first time I witnessed death I was 4 or 5. My Great-Grandmother, Big Ma passed away. I remember the feeling of grief meeting me like a close friend. I had this radio/karaoke machine that I listened to nonstop. That tiny little toy tape player became a comfort blanket for me, something about listening to Tone Loc made me feel very comforted. At some point I moved on, because my childhood evolved and new feelings replaced grief. I grew up in a massive family, my bloodline is long af. Both sides of my tree expands into multiple realms and timelines, it’s beautiful. Because of that, I grew up surrounded by aunties, cousins, uncles, from multiple generations.

When I say grief and I became besties, we really did. My moms mother., Granny Ernestine got promoted to glory when I was 8. I remember my family telling us that she had cancer, I remember so much about that time… especially my feelings. My maternal grandmother taught me so much; how to sew, the importance of patience in the kitchen and she’s the reason I fell in love with romance movies. I always felt like she understood me in ways that I couldn’t always say out loud. She died the summer before 4th grade and it hit me hard, because who was going to speak for me now? I started grief counseling that school year and though it helped. I still had a hard time letting that grief go for real. I felt like my family was all hurting in some way and felt like I had to put my own needs to the back. As a child, it just felt like no one wanted to experience grief with me even though we all felt it.

As time went on, I began to lose other family members. My Maternal grandmothers entire immediate maiden family is gone. Every single one of her siblings died one after another, there’s a conversation around that, but that’s a story for a later day. Now on my dads side of the family, I just knew everybody was going to be there forever. I got used to family passing on my moms side of the tree, but my paternal… it was unheard of. The summer after 9th grade, I was living my best life. Going to camp and traveling to New York I was having a blast. Until I got a phone call one day telling me that my uncle had died, I broke down. My Uncle Boo was nothing but a pure example of unconditional love. I often feel like if he was alive when I came out as Queer it would’ve been an easier moment for me. When he died, it altered the way I did a lot of things. I felt very disconnected from everyone around me and again, felt like I couldn’t share the experience with my family.

Again, time passes and grief and become enemies for a while. Outside of loved ones passing, I lost friendships, broke up with partners and just experiencing heartbreak in multiple ways. Grief for me became a bitter, backstabbing bitch to be real. I hated feeling grief, I hated the fact that I could never fully function in my happiness because nobody was talking to me. Sure I had friends, but what I needed was my family to really get a hold of me. Eventually they did and shoutout to them because they definitely showed up for me after a huge breakdown I had at 19. I learned to let grief back in slowly of course, we had to get comfortable with one another. My papa died in 2019, I was away working at a summer camp when I got the call. This time I was slightly prepared for grief to come back home, because by then I was reclaiming my love for spirituality.

Reclaiming my faith and fully stepping into that is what saved me then and has kept me sane when I am faced with soul crushing moments. I now know how to keep those relationships going when it comes to death. My ancestors and I spend so much time together, every day we talk and gather together. Although, I can say that I have my faults when it comes to that. In recent years, I’ve spent less time with my family who are still here. There’s something to be said about balance in relationships, even as a diviner it is important to keep your heart open to all of your branches.

Idk, maybe it’s just me, but we have to start being more gentle with ourselves.

I love you.