A Year With Lilith: Healing my divine masculine, accepting my dark goddess energy + recovering
I’m really about to expose myself to y’all. Like full disclosure, if you’re in my family (or are uncomfortable with the idea that I’m a being who has sex) you probably don’t want to read this. (Also, I’m grown so get over it.)
A year ago today I did an Ostara ritual where I invoked Goddess Lilith. If you’ve never heard of her, do yourself a solid and look her up. She was Adams first wife and the first woman to say “fuck these men” and mean it. I had been feeling her vibes a few months prior to that ritual. At the time I had been in a two-year period of not having sex of any kind with a partner. I was a solo pleaser and was perfectly fine being in that space. However, I didn’t really realize at the time of me doing that ritual that I was going to be face to face with some demons.
See when you work with a Goddess like Lilith, you have to understand that she intends to break you down so that you can never not trust yourself. She gives us the ability to focus, gain knowledge in areas we thought were lost causes, and so much more. Once I did that ritual, I moved into a spiritual (and mental) space of letting go. I experienced so much grief and anger during those first few months. I lost my grandfather, my favorite place on Earth was feeling like my own personal hell, and I found myself attaching to people in really weird ways.
The shit was so uncomfortable for me, but I told myself consistently that this has to happen in order for me to see this through. As time went on, I was starting to see a lot of my previous romantic/emotional patterns pop back up. I ran into (nah like LITERALLY ran into) my elementary school crush who I was IN LOVE with lol. Like full on had wet dreams about this person as a child, loved them. I should add that my Venus is in Sagittarius, so that should give you some context throughout this post.
I ran into them in a public setting and what’s wild is that when I should have been super chill. I wasn’t, I had reverted back to 8-year old me. The uncomfortable, insecure, awkward and emotionally unstable little girl. Who always thought that a boy like him would never like a girl like her. The one who literally cried when he asked her out one day and broke up with her the next. The one who wrote about him in journal because her very active Pisces rising is a deep romantic. I realized that I had so much trauma held inside from that shit. I didn’t know it then, but for the next couple of months Lilith was going to test me even more.
Other profound moments happened, especially the one where she came to me in a dream. Held a ceremony for me, invited people I love who are in my life currently and those who have passed on. That night in the astral realm, I got my big witch crown and a whole lot of responsibilities. I knew that my work was just beginning and in order to do that I had to heavily heal my romantic self and find a middle ground between my divine masculine and feminine. I started being intentional about what I wanted to be like as a partner and what I wanted in a partner. I got so specific I mean like “ someone who loves me within my boundaries.” Type of shit.
I found myself just chilling after writing that list, I met some cool people, but nothing was sizzling my soul ya know? That was until I had a dream in November about myself and this unknown man. We were sitting in his car, chilling and talking. I woke up feeling so loved, cared for and deeply seen. I thought about that dream a lot, like a lot a lot over the next couple of weeks. I knew that whoever he was, he was very real. It clicked a little while later that I did in fact know that man. I met him at this class I started going to with a friend. He was really intriguing to me, when the first time I saw him I told my homegirl that he reminded me of Lucifer. Very pretty, but also extremely deceiving and a lot of trouble. I hadn’t even spoken to him at that point, but my intuitive self stays knowing what’s up.
Somehow though, my immediate thoughts went out the window and I ended up tangled up in some shit that I can’t fully explain. See when you’re working with Lilith expect the devil to show up at some point. I knew that going into this that I would face some new shit, some shit that matched my level of power. Some shit that, well … would change me completely. What I didn’t know is that I was walking into the dismantling of my very being. What I didn’t know is that this person would be the last test and a blessing.
I learned that I am selfish, irate, hot and cold, extremely vulnerable, needy, wild, even more slutty than I originally thought, and a whole lot of other things. He gave me everything and nothing all at once, he never lied though. He always tells me the truth, even if it’s harsh. I fell in love with him in three days (again, Sag Venus over here) and didn’t look back. However, I also learned that I want what I want and deserve that. I found that I over-explain myself and my needs and learned how to put up boundaries. I also learned that Libra’s are mirrors and my energy clearly sets the tone for chaos to form.
I realized that even though I spent time in isolation pre-Lilith , I still am learning to not use sex as a weapon to get what I want. I learned that I can fully love someone even if they don’t love me back and that’s okay. I realized that I am not responsible for anyone else’s actions … only my own. I also realized that satan does have a son and I love him a whole lot.
Like Lilith though, I am above all else a Goddess of the middle ground. My shadow and light are learning how to intertwine themselves together. I am capable of loving intensely, intentionally and honestly. I am also capable of loving from a distance, from knowing when to choose me before anyone. Capable of knowing when to apologize for creating chaos.
This is my apology and also the beginning of a beautiful manifesto. This is my way of welcoming you all into a new era of my life. Let’s ride this Saturn Return of mine with love, growth and light in mind.
blessed be.
